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Sunday, October 14, 2007

When life spins a little bit too fast

I just had a recovery weekend that was very much needed but also pretty ambivalent. The two weeks leading up to this weekend have been so jammed with things to do, both private and work related. It is important for me to point out that most of these activities are things I really want to do and enjoy very much while doing. But my enthusiasm for every little thing combined with my over-belief in how much I can cope with leads to a 10-day schedule with very little time for myself. And as I, like everyone, consist of the strongly linked network of body-mind-soul this “me, myself and I-time” is important in order to balance your life right.

One part of my personality works in the way that I get a lot of energy from the synergy of meeting other people and things happening around me. I would not do well taking it too easy and living it all calm and slow. Some of my wonderful friends do live more like that and are perfectly suited for it. They are in harmony and happy, and I used to envy them sometimes, wanting what they had. But I have come to terms with that I am different and not made for a lifestyle that is not reflecting who I really am. This suddenly became more deep than intended but I am getting near my conclusion.

Even though if the last two weeks have consisted of a lot of positive energy (and indeed synergy of people and happenings) the balance weight tipped over too much and I started to feel so drained. Originally this weekend had a lot of plans too but for various reasons they got cancelled and when I was unexpectedly was offered a whole weekend without plans the insight hit me hard and direct. “You stupid, fast-spinning, naïve optimist – this is exactly what you need! This is what your body have been trying to tell you with the overly clear signals of extreme tiredness, sensitive eyes, bad skin, weak nails and flat hair. Step down from your social high and take this opportunity to listen to what you and you only need and want!”

So I did. And it was wonderful. And relaxing. And re-energizing. And ambivalently weird. It was like running a race at a very high speed and then suddenly someone screams Stop! It takes a while before you figure out how to breathe normally and it is confusing trying to readjust your focus. From having your mind set on the next hill and the next challenge to not having a goal at all. You look around but you don´t really know where to go. You actually feel quite lost. When I was younger I could loose myself much deeper and longer. Luckily I have learned a few things about myself during the years so I tried my best to enjoy the weekend despite the underlying feelings of confusion, meaninglessness and loneliness.

Today it is Sunday and I don´t know if it because it is the last day of this semi-forced (by myself that is) relaxing weekend and that a normal spinning week is about to start, but I do feel much better. Or maybe it actually is because of the combination of lazy mornings, good food, refreshing walks, chick-lits and chick-flicks and the long bath with a lot of foam.

Soon my wonderful John will be home again and I intensely look forward to the love and positive energy he always brings. So why not round this up with some words on love. Here is a poem I wrote a while ago.


I need you to soothe my soul as you always do.
You make me calmer by just being you.

When I have been down and low for a while.
I always cheer up when I see you smile.

And when even darker thoughts get the grip of me,
your energizing presence sets me free.

But it is when I feel true happiness that is the best part.
Because I know you feel it too, in your heart.

To have you in my life feels so right and complete,
and that we have the world at our feet.

Whatever the future is planning and will send our way,
what we have now can never be taken away.